I had a miscarriage at six weeks and two days and a missed miscarriage at eight and half weeks.
I then went on to have my daughter. She was a stillborn. Born eleven days after my due date sleeping and weighing 9lb 15oz.
Three years later at twenty, I gave birth to my son, and the experience was difficult. Nowadays, it's described as traumatic, but 17 years ago, I wasn't aware of that.
I decided at 20 years old I would not have another.
My body had indicated and demonstrated that it did not handle carrying or labouring well.
For the next 20 years I would be asked questions. Questions like
Did you not want a girl?
Will your son not be lonely?
Don't you want anymore?
Or statements like
"Oh your only young you will change your mind".
Eight years after the birth of my son, I met my current husband, who has a child from a previous relationship. He also has a son.
For the last 10 years I have been asked questions, Questions like
Don't you want a child together?
You have 2 boys don't you want to try for a girl?
When questioned about having a daughter, it caught me off guard. I feel a pang in my heart and a flutter in my stomach. However, I would quickly regain my composure and often respond with
No I didn't.
I dreaded these questions as they left me feeling sad and awful. I did have a girl, and I would have loved for her to be here. The emotions would stay with me for days. Often regretting not saying my truth.
This doesn't only affect myself and my history with miscarriages and giving birth to a baby sleeping.
It can also affect those who
Are Childless not by choice
Are Childless by choice
Having Fertility issues
Going through IVF
Been unsuccessful through IVF
Have polycystic ovaries
Had an Abortion
Living with Endometriosis
Experienced an Ectopic pregnancy
Living through a Neo natal death
Living through SIDS
Put into early menopause
(This list is not comprehensive)
It got me to thinking
Why should I feel like this?
Why is it ok to ask these questions?
The answer is it isn't.
So on a night out with my friend we got talking to a group of people. One of them asked
"Are you married"?
I replied "yes".
"Any kids"? (that dreaded question)
I replied "yes, my husband and myself have 2 boys from separate relationships".
"Did you not want a girl"?
I replied, "I do have a girl she would be 20 now she was a stillborn".
I felt empowered. I felt that I had not dismissed my Daughter.
I felt two decades of fear about responding in a way that wouldn't upset someone or leave them unsure of what to say next disappear.
I watched as they struggled with what to say next.
Rightly or wrongly my thoughts were,
"maybe this will stay with you when having a conversation with someone else".
It is essential to raise awareness, as questioning others about their desire to have children, their plans to have children, why they haven't had children yet, or why they only have one is not ok.
Why?
Because we are unaware of what that person has experienced or is currently experiencing.
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